Jokes. MOST KINDS GO - Easily offended people need not look.

[crustyasp46]

My wife was recently hinting about what she wanted for her birthday, she said, "I want something that will go from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her bathroom scales!

[crustyasp46]

My wife and I were laying in bed watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. I turned to her and asked if she wanted to have sex. She replied, "No." I asked , "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." she said. " Well then I would like to phone a friend !" I answered back.

[Hot Trout]

My wife and I were laying in bed watching Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. I turned to her and asked if she wanted to have sex. She replied, "No." I asked , "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." she said. " Well then I would like to phone a friend !" I answered back.

LOL

[JAHGoVeg]

Just some random one liners and questions jokes. P.s. Sorry for all The Chuck norris ones. Its Now 5:00 AM so I guess I'll go to bed now I still don't understand why I'm still on the old computr .com oh well

Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.

Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? 

[Artemis]

Yo mama so fat in order t have sex with her, you have to slap her ass and ride the wave in.

Yo mama so fat when she woke up she fell off both sides of the bed.

Yo mama so fat I ran around her once and got lost twice.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor said if it moves I'll shoot it.

[Hot Trout]

Yo mama so fat when she woke up she fell off both sides of the bed.

Like that one.


Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

[Artemis]

Yo mama so ugly, her face was used for gorrilla cookies

Yo mama so stupid she asked what yeild means, I told her slow down, she said, what...does...yeild...mean.

Yo mama so old she sat next to Jesus in the 5th grade.

[crustyasp46]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER-HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID...WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[Hot Trout]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman.

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least
I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,'
but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to
drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She
looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her
and let her into the car.


I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing
devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and
full of holes, so I threw them away

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans
that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you
say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those
boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear
because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so
grateful for my understanding and help that as , she turned to
me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[Kherr]

OMG. *dies laughing*