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Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
For my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in
the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's
ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

If thats true you just became my hero. It not its a very funny story.

Hot Trout wrote:If thats true you just became my hero. It not its a very funny story.

That story is not mine, wish it was.

This one is mine : Recently on a trip to Windsor just out of Toronto I had a flat tire.

To set the story up I was on what we call the 401. It is the major highway in Southern Ontario , starts at the Quebec border and ends at Windsor to the crossing at Detroit.

History of King's Highway 401:

King's Highway 401 is the primary through route across Southern, Central and Eastern Ontario. Since the highway's completion in the late 1960s, Highway 401 has evolved from being a convenient bypass to a vital economic corridor. Today, the highway is used by millions of motorists to travel across the province quickly. It is also used by thousands of transport trucks every day, carrying goods to and from Ontario manufacturers and consumers. The economic activity generated by Highway 401 is immeasurable. This highway has contributed greatly to Ontario's prosperity in recent decades. One section of Highway 401 in Toronto between Weston Road and Highway 400 now carries over 420,000 vehicles on an average day, giving Highway 401 the distinction of being North America's busiest highway.

They fail to mention that there are areas with shoulders that barely leave room to pull off safely. It was in this area that my flat occurred. I pull over as far as I can. Wait about 15 minutes to safely open my door to get out as I can not get out the passenger door. get out and proceed to change the tire. Get it almost done and a cop pulls in behind me with lights flashing. I get everything done before he can get out of his car safely, and am ready to put everything back in the trunck (boot).

Cop: " Flat tire,eh?"

Me : " No! "

Cop : "What?"

Me : " Not a flat, I just decided to pull over here, jack the car up, check the brakes, tie rods and ball joints, because I needed the adrenalin rush of having cars and trucks whizzing past at 120 t0 130 KMH 6 inches away from my ass!"

Cop : " You know you are not supposed to get out of your car, you are supposed to wait for us to call a tow truck, or a tow truck shows up to tow you to a safe area. I could give you a ticket, but I'll let it go for this time." with absolutely no emotion to what I had just said.

Cop : " When you can safely get back in your car, drive along the shoulder, I will follow , and when I flash my lights safely merge into traffic. Try not to impede the movement of the main traffic."

Love it, I do things like that, sarcasim is necessary when obvious things are being carefully pointed out to you. Funny.